Left Turn at Albuquerque
by Minnionette
Summary: Naruto crossover. There’s a reason why Itachi should never be allowed to read maps. Dr. Nii hires the Akatsuki to fetch a scroll. Hidan receives a divine mission from Jashin, although it's just Kanzeon Bosatsu meddling again. Tobi finds a friend in Goku.
1. Chapter 1

Sanzo didn't have too many high expectations in life – not with the company he was forced to keep. Cigarettes, bullets, the occasional booze, peace and quiet. These things were not too much to ask, even given his errant companions.

Of course, it was also best left unsaid that when he shot something or someone dead, he expected it to _stay_ _dead_. It wasn't about high demands or dignity, or maybe even his sanity, much less common courtesy. Furthermore, he _really_ did not need to see the man sit upright, the bullet entry wound in his forehead squirting blood as he frowned unhappily, and said, "That fucking hurt, seriously."

Gojyo, who had stopped in mid-swing when he saw the strange man go down, absolutely certain at the time that Sanzo's point-blank shot to the head was a killer blow, stumbled back a step. "That's… not normal," he said finally in a rusty voice, his grip upon his weapon tightening white-knuckled

The man stood without a single sweat-damp silver hair out of place, unperturbed by the critical wound that should have killed him – would have killed anyone else, even Kogaji. He dabbed at the blood with the sleeve of his billowing black robe, decorated with red clouds. "What the hell was that about?" He glared at Sanzo's gun, as if daring the weapon to bark its deadly cloud of smoke and powder once more.

When Sanzo refused to reply, his mind frantically going over everything he knew about immortality, the man dabbed a few more times at his wound before its profuse bleeding slowed to a mere trickle.

"Shall we continue?" the man asked nonchalantly. The bizarre weapon with the three scythe blades spun in his hands, flashing silver from the overhead noon sun. He eyed Goku like he was inspecting a choice piece of meat at the butcher's display. "I don't have all fucking day to get the jinchurriki, seriously. It's fucking hot out here, I have sand in my shoes, and a heat rash on my ass."

Goku frowned. "The what?"

Gojyo grimaced. "Way too much information, man."

If it wouldn't remove his eyes from the enemy, Sanzo would have slapped a hand over his forehead in exasperation. "Goku is not a jinchurrikki," he snapped impatiently, just as he heard Gojyo mutter something of, "Well, at least it isn't about the scroll this time…"

"What's a jinchuwazzit?" Goku asked.

"It's a carrier of a demon," the man replied as he slid his legs apart and bent his knees in preparation for another assault. He quickly swiped away the sweat that drenched his chin.

Goku's face fell, and Sanzo gritted his teeth. "A jinchurriki is a tailed beast demon sealed inside a human. Goku doesn't qualify on _any_ of those accounts."

The man blinked as his expression screwed into a thoughtful frown. His legs straightened. "You fucking serious?" He pointed at Goku. "The kid ain't a jinchurriki?"

"The _kid_ is over five hundred years old. He doesn't have a tailed beast demon sealed within him, and therefore doesn't qualify."

The man seemed to wilt from a mixture of heat stroke and disappointment. "Well, _shit_. Are you sure?"

"Positive. I found him sealed up in a cave."

He tapped an irritable finger against the lowest of the three scythe blades. "This sucks, seriously. It's too hot for carnage and I don't give a flying fuck anymore. Are you absolutely sure?" He once more dabbed away the blood from his forehead with his sleeve.

Sanzo had a sneaking suspicion that the bullet to the brain had not affected the man's cognitive abilities in the least. Maybe he ought to shoot him again for the principle of it.

The man swung the scythe backwards, stuck it into some sort of sling on his back, and then turned his back to them, either confident or arrogant enough to figure that he had nothing to worry about exposing himself to enemies. "Oh well. No hard feeling, right?" He took two steps forward, stopped upright, and then turned around to face them once more. "Say, anyone know the hell where I'm at?" he asked as he looked around the desert they had been fighting in.

"China," Hakkai replied helpfully.

The expression of outrage and horror that swept cross the man's face was almost comedic. "Fucking what? _China_? How the hell did we get… here…" Another expression chased away the other emotions on his face, this one hinting towards something darker, deadlier. "Itachi," he hissed, then gritted his teeth. "I knew we shouldn't have trusted him with the fucking map, seriously." He waved a hand at the others. "See you later, guys." Then he was gone, with nothing but a whirl of sand swirling gently upward as proof of where he had been standing.

oOoOoOoOo

_ "Why the hell does he get to read the map?" Hidan complained as they trekked across the desert. Itachi had his nose pressed against the paper, a thoughtful scowl screwing up his otherwise bland features._

_ "Apparently **your partner** was too cheap to buy one in a language the rest of us could understand," Kisame snapped back._

* * *

oOoOoOoOo

Author's notes: It all began with a random LJ entry of how I was captivated with the idea Hidan from _Naruto_ and Genjo Sanzo from _Saiyuki_ having a long philosophical discourse of gods and religion - intersperced with dead bodies, rampaging enemies, Goku chowing down while Kakuzu bitches about the cost of food, and poor Hakkai is wondering how the hell they managed to get mixed up with Akatsuki in the first place.

My friends egged me on. So it's all _their_ fault. I'm just an innocent bystander - er, writer. Yeah.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Hidan couldn't quote Jashin-sama's holy scripture (and, truth be told, he wasn't even sure if Jashin-sama _had_ holy scripture; the dogma just came to his mind in bits and pieces whenever he meditated), but he was almost positive that the way Dr. Nii molested the poor stuffed white rabbit was a sin of the foulest nature, and he was going to kill the man just on principle. This arguably fell under the commandment of _Worship not the stuffed idols, you fuckers._

"Stop glaring at the client," Kakuza growled under his breath.

Hidan continued staring at Dr. Nii, wordlessly praying for a bolt of lightening or a plague of locusts or even a killer jock itch. It was only after the negotiations Kakuzu was agreeing to did his attention snap from the diabolical Dr. Nii to the evil Lady Gyokumen Koushou, whom he was convinced was a Great Cosmic Joke of the cruelest nature. "Oh fuck no!" he declared firmly. Then he glared at Kakuzu, who had gone dangerously still.

"I'm not going after any priest. The monk was a bitch and you wouldn't let me finish my ceremony, and then there was the nun-killing spree that I had to spend the next three months purifying myself from, but there's no fucking way in hell that I'm going to kill any priest. It is against the dogma and you damn well know it!" It didn't matter that they were hiring out to demons; Jashin was an equal opportunist and welcomed everyone equally into his bloodstained arms – humans, demons, transvestites, that fucking weird vampire gal who didn't last too long in Akatsuki because she tried sleeping with all the guys and found out the hard way just how possessive Konan is – just as Jashin also expected Hidan to slaughter those heathens who refused to see the light.

With such a speech uttered, Hidan turned his heel to them and began to stride from the room. As he passed Deidara, the artist's hand shot up in the air, the mouth leering wantonly at Dr. Nii, the sick fucker. "I'll help if you're willing to trade partners, yeah?"

"Fine," Kakuzu muttered.

There was a betrayed whimper of, "But Deidara-sempai!" Hidan gritted his teeth at the thought of Tobi accompanying him. "He's so scary!" Hidan wondered if Jashin would object to having a sacrificial idiot. Perhaps, since a sacrificial idiot wasn't up to par with a sacrificial virgin.

"Whatever," Hidan muttered. "I'm going on vacation."

Kisame snickered as Hidan stomped past him and Itachi. "Have fun."

"Leader will be upset," Itachi muttered.

"Leader can kiss the rash on my ass! You're the blind fucker who got us lost in India in the first place, _bastard_."

"Vacation?" Tobi perked up and stumbled after Hidan. "Tobi _loves_ vacations!"

There was the sound of rustling silk as Lady Gyokumen stood from her throne, exotic face twisted in rage. "I find this to be a grave insult."

"Don't mind him," Kakuzu said in a flat voice. "He's not necessary to kill this priest and steal the scroll for your use."

Hidan heard no more as he slammed the throne room's door behind him, catching Tobi in the mask. Tobi stumbled through the door a moment later, looking as dazed and as bruised as someone in a mask could. With a yelp, he hurried to catch up to Hidan.

"Maybe I'll even get the chance to convert more than just masochistic freaks," Hidan mused to himself.

oOoOoOoOo

There was a secretive smile of genuine amusement on Homura's face as he sat in his own throne, the rosary hanging from one hand as he gently tapped it with his other hand. He watched, almost hypnotized, as it gently swayed back and forth.

"Hey, where'd you get that?" Zenon asked.

"From a man of great conviction and faith. I think he was trying to convert me to the religion of Jashin."

Zenon snorted. "_Jashin_?"

"Yes."

"The Jashin that _we_ know?"

"I believe so, yes."

"Did you tell him that Jashin is just the janitor?"

The smile on Homura's face broadened. "I hadn't the heart, really."


	3. Chapter 3

The Kanzeon Bosatsu enjoyed watching hir nephew and his company on their many adventures. It helped pass the endless stream of mindless boredom that heaven existed within. Especially when se just sort of fiddled with the events in all the right ways.

But now there were some new kids on the block, so to speak.

"Who are they?" Jirochin asked as in disbelief as he watched the pale-haired, lavender-eyed man effortlessly trounce a dozen demons, slap his masked companion along side the head (sending the poor kid ricocheting across the countryside), and then bound across the still lake waters. Not _through_ the water, but _across_ it. Like he had the powers of a god. "_What_ are they?"

"They're from an island nation east of China. Well? Did you bring him?"

"The janitor, Bosatsu? Yes, but he stopped to dust off Nataku."

Kanzeon turned in hir chair and looked across to the covered dais, where the janitor was carefully dusting off Nataku's chair, gently rearranging clothes, and – was he _combing_ the boy's hair with his fingers? Kanzeon turned away and tried to focus upon the pond.

If there was one thing that se had learned of Heaven over the many thousands of years in hir existence, it was that you never pissed off secretaries (because they almost always can do your job better than you) or janitors (because they have the keys to _everything_). And while there was probably some infarction committed by the janitor being so physically familiar with Nataku, Kanzeon would refuse to acknowledge it and thereby save each other trouble.

When Jashin had finished his impeccable arrangement of Nataku , he grabbed his broom and cordially swept his way across the floors to stand just behind Kanzeon. "You called?" he asked.

Kanzeon pointed an elegant finger at the pool. Jashin leaned on the handle of his broom and stared in surprise. "One of yours, I presume. Where'd you find him?"

Jashin was silent a moment as he watched the pale-haired man flip off the kid in the orange mask, probably shouting obscenities or insults. "Hidan," he said finally. "An S-class villain from the Shinobi nations, a member of the Akatsuki. He has no tact, no finesse, and no class, but at least he's a loyal and faithful follower; very passionate about his calling." He glanced sideways at Kanzeon. "If I may be so imprudent as to ask why the Kanzeon Bosatsu is suddenly interested in my follower?"

"He has crossed paths with my nephew."

Jashin went very still. It was common knowledge that it was a very bad idea to be considered a threat to the nephew of the Kanzeon Bosatsu, and Hidan _was_ a disaster just looking for someone to happen to. All in all, a very ugly mess had either occurred, or was about to occur.

Kanzeon Bosatsu smiled. It made the hair on the back of Jashin's neck stand on end. "I wonder…" Se stared at the pond for a long moment. "They were surprisingly well-behaved with each other when they crossed paths."

Which could mean anything from Hidan only flipping them off to maiming everyone involved. But since the Kanzeon Bosatsu didn't seem like se was going to chuck Jashin headfirst into her pond and let the fishes feast upon his flesh, the damage must have been minimal.

"I would like you to do something," se announced, wicked amusement lighting up hir features. Jashin glanced nervously at her from beneath the brim of his cap, his grip on the broom becoming white-knuckled. "Hidan announced his intent to take vacation. I want it to be declared that Jashinists must abstain from carnage during vacations – no, declare it a Sabbatical. He must use the time wisely to purify himself, to convert more followers, junk like that. You're his god; you figure out the explanation. Violence is still permitted, but he cannot take a life, even in defense, for that would destroy this particular purification process. Because, you see, you'll be giving him a mission to rescue an artifact of the gods – er, of yours – and no blood must stain his hands. Yes – that sounds good."

Jashin's jaw silently worked a moment as thoughts, ideas, and questions whipped lightening-fast through his mind. The temptation to ask what the Kanzeon Bosatsu was planning warred against his own sense of survival. In the end, self-preservation won. "Yes, Kanzeon Bosatsu."

"I don't want you to tell him what this is for or about just yet, but it shall be announced to him when I deem him pure enough to undertake such a valuable mission." Se grinned in glee and rubbed both hands together.

Jashin readily admitted to being far more bloodthirsty and sadistic than the average dwellers of Heaven – but even he knew when to bow to his superiors.

oOoOoOoOo

Hidan was readying himself to drop-kick Tobi off the cliff edge they were following along when he was suddenly filled with an uncharacteristic sense of altruism. "What the fuck?" He turned to face the sun, vision blurring as the bright light seemed to pierce his skull.

Tobi, who was gallivanting along in blissful ignorance of how close he came to being a sacrifice to a god that probably cringed at the very idea, stopped to study his companion.

Hidan slapped a hand over his face and _whined_. "Oi. _No_ bloodshed?" There was a long pause. "So I can't – but that's not – oh. Shit." There was now pouting to match the whining. "Your will be done, oh most holy Jashin." Hidan lifted the rosary to his lips and reverently kissed it while still staring at the sun.

Tobi poked a cautious finger against Hidan's ass, and was immediately sideswiped over the edge.

"That was reflex!" Hidan yelled up at the skies before diving over the edge to save Tobi.

Hey – who put this river here?


	4. Chapter 4

As a human, Sanzo hated many different things, and there were many different levels of his hatred. Although it varied from the mild hatred afforded to things that aggravated and annoyed him to the hatred that burned with the fury of a thousand suns for those who had killed his master, Sanzo believed in being fair: that is, he hated virtually everything and everyone.

That included the gods.

As far back as Sanzo could remember, he always had the distinct feeling that the gods were out to get him. Being in the position where the gods could actually _command_ him only helped to fuel his suspicions, especially given some of the missions they had sent him on.

He also hated water; whether it was falling from the sky or flowing along the ground, his hatred for water ranked a 6 on a scale of 1 to 10. The gods were usually a 4.

When he was forced to cross the flowing water, his hatred of water was bumped to a 7. When he fell _into_ the water, the hatred shot up to 10. And when he and his errant companions sailed _over_ the waterfalls, not only did he consider this absolute proof that the gods were out to get him, but the hatred for them _and_ water shot into numerical realms heretofore unknown.

oOoOoOoOo

"Hidan-sempai! Hidan-sempai! Look at what Tobi found!"

Hidan squeezed his eyes shut and prayed for patience. There was that annoyingly stubborn sense of altruism that made his spine itch and head ache, but no patience forthcoming. He turned to face Tobi with an unpleasant scowl. "What the fuck do you-"

It was a half-drowned albino rat with a suspicious resemblance to a dragon.

"… The fuck?"

"It's a really cool bird!" Tobi declared happily.

Hidan wondered if half-killing Tobi would get him into trouble with Jashin. If he didn't kill Tobi all the way, did it still count? Pinching the bridge of his nose, Hidan studied the creature as it wriggled in Tobi's gloved hands and mewed unhappily. "And where the fuck did you find this little shit?"

"Tobi fished it out of the water and Tobi thought it might actually taste good, but it doesn't have much meat on its bones."

At the declaration of being made into a meal, the creature began to thrash and scream. "Gimme that." Hidan snatched the creature from Tobi's hands.

"But-"

"I'm putting it back, seriously." Hidan was hungry, but couldn't hunt because of the no killing stipulation. It was a shame that tofu didn't run wild in herds or packs, and the chance to remove a hunk of meat from an animal large enough to survive such an encounter hadn't yet occurred. Nor had the chance to convert heathens arrived, as the local demons didn't seem to care if they were going to spend their eternities buried up to their necks in boiling shit, and the humans were either gone or dinners for the demons.

Seriously, who knew that being anemic was such a fucking piece of work?

Of course, just because he couldn't slaughter an animal didn't mean that _Tobi_ couldn't – even if Tobi refused to see the truth and enlightenment of Jashin. (Granted, Hidan wasn't _trying_ very hard to convert Tobi – he was absolutely positive that he did not want to exist in Heaven with the fucking peabrain. He was sure that Jashin would thank him for such thoughtfulness later. But he still made the attempt and talked at great lengths, but the only thing Tobi seemed impressed with was the way Hidan managed to survive his morning prayers.)

The creature struggled in Hidan's hands, but he squeezed it, the pressure not quite popping bones or tendons. "Knock that shit off. I seriously ain't in the mood." It went very still and limp as he walked down to the riverside. He stopped at the shoreline, sharp river rocks digging into the soles of his sandals as he opened his arms. The creature sprang free instantly and flew out over the waters, crying and watching the rapids. It circled around a boulder that was nearly buried beneath the foaming waters and finally settled on the jutting top. Hidan couldn't hear its annoying cries, but there was something causing it distress and – wait, there was something pressed against the boulders.

"Tobi didn't notice that before!"

Hidan pictured throwing Tobi in to fetch it, but the nagging sense of altruism was sitting on his shoulder like a fat, lazy monkey, chattering in his ear and demanding attention. With an expletive curse, Hidan leapt from boulder to spray-slick boulder, his footing kept secure with chakra. The creature flapped out of his way when he landed on its boulder, one hand coming down to grab the stone as he crouched low.

He dragged up an unconscious boy whose brow shown with a familiar gold diadem. His lip drew back in a snarl. "Fuck." He threw the limp body over his shoulder – if the non-jinchurriki was dead, at least he would make a good meal – and leapt back to the shoreline. The creature followed after and settled upon the sodden body, crooning softly as it nuzzled Hidan's ear. "Knock that off!"

"Hidan-sempai?" Tobi studied the boy, and then pointed. "Isn't that-"

"No. It ain't a jinchurriki. But fuck if Mister Blind-as-a-bat didn't think so."

"He looks dead." Tobi ran a contemplative hand over the boy's face, then pressed an ear against the chest. "But his heart's still beating."

Hidan studied Tobi for a moment, a chill running down his spine at the strange solemnity the idiot was displaying. He turned about and made his way back to camp. "Fucker's dripping on me." He kicked backwards and smiled smugly at the _oomph_! of air that escaped from Tobi. "Get me firewood and fish."

Tobi gasped. "Y-yes, Hidan-sempai."

The sense of altruism was quiet, so Hidan guiltlessly dropped the boy like a stone once he reached the camp, dug his toes into the ribs to flip the boy onto his back, and crouched low to study him up close. It was innocent-looking face. Most people had one when asleep, but Hidan had a nagging suspicion that he just inadvertently picked up another Tobi. The world just was not prepared for two such idiots.

Was it too late to toss the fucker back into the river?

The altruism whined like a kicked puppy. Damn.

His eyes kept straying to the golden diadem on the forehead. He carefully reached and brushed an inquiring finger over the diadem, but there nothing mystical happened. No smoking flesh, no spark of electricity, no magical glow, nothing. "Kakuzu could hawk it for a pretty penny," he muttered to himself. Having never really cared about money in the first place, no temptation followed at the heels of his thought. "I wonder…" He firmly grasped the diadem on either side and began to pull it off. He could feel chakra swelling beneath his fingers, just like all those times when the jinchurriki would release their inner demons, could feel a malevolent spirit start to stir, could feel-

The creature flew into his face wildly, screaming as it raked its claws over his eyes.

Hidan released the diadem and felt the chakra slam down… _like a seal_.

He slapped the creature away – it ricocheted across the clearing, slammed into a tree trunk, and slid down with a dazed moan. The scratches those tiny claws had inflicted stung but were more annoying than painful. "I fucking get it already," Hidan snarled as he stalked over the creature. It puffed up and hissed like a cat, but Hidan ignored it as he picked it up by the scruff of its neck. "Let's make something fucking clear, you little shit." He carried it back to the boy. "Look, but don't touch, yada yada yada. Seriously, I'm so bitchy right now I'm, like, PMSing, so I won't fucking touch that diadem and you won't fucking touch me, and we'll all be miserable together." He unceremoniously dumped the creature beside the boy, and then sat down.

"Fuck." He looked up at the skies as he swallowed the urge to kill something, raised his rosary to his lips, and then bowed his head in meditation.

oOoOoOoOo

The boy woke up just as the sun was beginning to set. He sat straight up in the soggy bedroll that Tobi had insisted on wrapping him up in ("But sempai, what if he dies from pneumonia?" "I'm not fucking responsible for the actions and behaviors of bacteria. Hey! Use your own bedroll!"), blinked blear-eyed at his surroundings, and then was leaping backwards from Hidan with a battle cry.

He also tripped over the blankets, stepped on the creature's tail, landed on his ass, and soundly smacked his head against a thick tree trunk. The boy rolled forward and clutched his head "What – what's going on?" he asked.

"Beats me," Hidan muttered as he lifted another crisp fish-on-a-stick to his lips.

"You're awake!" Tobi cried happily. He yanked the fish out of Hidan's hand ("You rotten little shit!") and thrust it into the boy's face. "This is for you."

"Oh hell no!"

The boy eyed it for a moment, and then smiled happily before accepting it. "Thanks!"

"First my bedroll and then my own fucking fish…"

"Tobi caught them!"

Hidan sullenly glowered from across the fire.

"Where's Sanzo?" the boy asked worriedly as he wolfed down the food.

"Who?"

"Sanzo. And Hakkai and Gojyo."

The creature chirped as it fluttered across the campsite and settled down on the boy's shoulder. "Hakuryo! But when – what…" The boy squeezed his eyes shut for a moment. "Did you find the others?"

Hidan shrugged. "We didn't bother looking."

"Tobi didn't sense anyone. Tobi didn't _know_ that he ought to have looked for others."

"But-"

"You were pinned against the boulder," Hidan said. "The others are probably either up or downstream."

The boy suddenly looked so dismayed and crushed. The creature – Hakuryo – mewed and nuzzled his neck. Tobi threw a friendly arm around his shoulders. "We'll help look for them."

The boy perked up. "Really?"

Hidan started shaking his head. "No-"

"Yep! Hidan-sempai and Tobi will help you find your friends come dawn tomorrow!"

Dawn… seemed awfully fucking early. "Oh hell no-"

"Thanks!" the boy cried, gratefulness lighting up his face. "Say, can I have more of that fish?"

Hidan managed to snatch one more for himself, but nearly lost his arm when it got between Goku and the second fish he was reaching for. "Rotten little fuckers." He was sure that half-killing them wasn't the same as killing them. Hell; even taking an arm and a leg wouldn't be killing them if he was careful to cauterize the wounds. Or a tongue. You could still survive without a tongue. Or both eyes. But that last might be argueable once Hidan had permission to get his hands on Itachi...

"My name is Goku," the boy said with his cheeks bulging full of food. He patted Hakuryo on the head. "And this is Hakuryo."

"Tobi is Tobi. That is Hidan-sempai."

Goku silently chewed for a moment as Hidan sneered at him. "We've met," he said carefully. "You're the one who called me a jinchurriki." He swallowed. "Say, how's that rash on your ass?"

"You want to fucking see?"

Goku looked horrified. "No way, man!"

"Then don't ask, seriously."

Tobi turned to Hidan. "Does Hidan-sempai show his ass to everyone who asks?"

Hidan answered that with a solid slap upside the back of Tobi's head.

"Yes, Hidan," another voice put in, "do you?" Kisame landed lightly from where he jumped free from the tree branches above. "Inquiring minds want to know."

Itachi landed beside him. "Speak for yourself."

"Lost again, bastards?" Hidan asked snidely without looking at the other Akatsuki members. He blinked in astonishment when Itachi appeared on the other side of the fire, one hand firmly gripping Goku's jaw and angling the face upward. Hidan smirked as he watched Goku's hand double in a fist and then launch at Itachi.

Itachi caught it in his other hand and squeezed. Goku yelped, but Itachi flashed away to stand beside Hidan. "He's not a jinchurriki," he said, the firelight glinting dangerously in his Sharingan.

"No shit, Sherlock."

"But he's _not_ human." Goku went tense at that, his fists resting against his thighs as his eyes narrowed and the fish liad nearly forgotten on the rock beside him. Tobi hadn't moved from where he was seated, but at least he was keeping his big mouth shut.

"No shit," Hidan said again. "Now what do you want, Uchiha?"

"Leader is upset."

Hidan snorted as he lifted another fish to his lips. "Leader can _still_ kiss the rash on my ass."

Kisame yanked the fish from his hands. "Leader said you could have just asked."

Hidan snatched the fish back. "You fucking cannibal, that's _mine_!"

Kisame circled around the fire to stand before Goku. He flashed the boy a toothy grin. "Leader said that even psychopathic S-class villains require some personal time to recharge. He liked the idea of us returning all refreshed and reenergized, ready to go at it again." He circled around the fire and made his way to Itachi's side. "So we decided to avoid Kakuzu because I think he's got some sort of hare-brained money-making scheme involving door-to-door salesmen."

Tobi flinched and shuddered in horror. "Oh god no, not Avon!"

Itachi arched a fine eyebrow at that, but Kisame ignored it and Hidan mentally filed that bit away for future references. (Mental torture was safe, because he wasn't actually killing anyone, see. Right? Right?) Itachi turned back to Hidan. "Leader said we have two weeks."

"I'm on Sabbatical, and I'll be on Sabbatical as long as Jashin commands me to."

"What's Sabbatical?" Kisame asked.

Hidan gave Kisame a vicious smile. "It is a purification process that prepares me for the conversion of the masses of heathens in this godless land."

Kisame rolled his eyes. "Not that again."

"Lord Jashin has declared this land ripe for the taking, and so I have been charged with the duties of spreading his holy word, of bringing human and demon heathens to his shadow where they may one day-"

"See you later," Kisame cut in swiftly just before he and Itachi immediately disappeared.

Hidan smiled smugly to himself.

Goku quickly finished eating and, as he licked his fingers clean, said, "What's a Jashin? And why was that guy's eyes _red_ like that? It's so weird. Was he a demon?"

Tobi, in his hurried attempt to explain while using extravagant gestures but not give out the secrets of the Akatsuki, somehow managed to stand, trip, and stuff his fish into Hidan's mouth before Hidan could proudly extrapolate upon the wonders and virtues of Jashin.

Rotten little fucker.

Hidan knew for a fact that people could live without their spleens, and it would certainly be interesting to see how Tobi would fare if the spleen was forcefully extracted through those ears. Jashin knew there had to be extra space between them anyway…. 


	5. Chapter 5

Hidan had been plagued all night with disturbing dreams of Dr. Nii feeling up his stuffed bunny. Hidan had never been so _disturbed_ or felt so _violated _in his life. And that took some considerable doing, since he meant that with ever fiber of his S-class villainous being.

He was also considering new and wholesome ways of slaughtering people who irritated him (for the time when he was released from this whole purification process) when Goku tried dragging him from his bedroll when dawn – false dawn, no less! – had broke.

For lacking shinobi skills, Goku was surprisingly skilled at dodging Hidan's scythe. (He hadn't really tried to take the fucking brat's head off – just a bit of hair, seriously.) Pushing his own hair from his eyes, Hidan told the brat where he could stuff his dawn search, and then pulled his blanket over his head to Goku's, "But – but that's not physically possible!"

"I'm sleeping some more, then I say my morning prayers, and _then_ maybe I will go searching. _If_ I fucking feel like it. But not one fucking second sooner!"

Goku's subsequent whine of "But you promised!" was shushed with Tobi slapping a hand over his mouth and promising breakfast before Hidan decided that ripping the brat's tongue out was worth the effort of getting up before the morning chill had burned away. A few minutes of silence passed before Hidan sat upright, shoving his blankets aside in irritation since he knew he was no longer going to get any sleep.

He started his prayers with several held poses (Jashin had told him during meditation that these were extra-level purification poses required for his Sabbatical; in his heart of hearts, Hidan felt they were silly and probably came from yoga or some such shit, but Hidan was nothing if not an obedient servant to his god) and then found bliss in the burning agony of skewering himself, of offering the pain to his god in the ceremony that brought him closer to eternity. He could almost feel his beloved Jashin accepting the pain, drawing it from his body and spinning it into treasure that he could cash out after death…

By the time Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum had returned with a string of fish to cook, Hidan had finished his prayers and started a breakfast fire. He silently waited with a mug of hot tea in his hands as they prepared and roasted the fish. Hidan was getting tired of fish. He wanted a steak, dammit. Charred black on the outside and still bloody raw in the middle.

He chewed listlessly on two of the fish, and then let Tobi and Goku fight over the rest of his share. While Tobi and Goku wrestled and argued over who would get the last one – how Tobi managed to eat without removing his mask was a mystery even Jashin refused to explain – Hakuryo lit down and ate it, daintily ripping the meat from the bones and stick until only a skeleton was left.

Hidan stood and kicked dirt over the fire – it was merely a coincidence that several live sparks landed on Tobi and Goku and began to smolder, really. "Let's go. The sooner we can find your friends the sooner I can get rid of you."

"All right!" Goku jumped to his feet. Tobi tackled him. "Hey – what?"

"Stop, drop, and roll!" Tobi cried as he straddled Goku and his hands flew everywhere to smother the smoldering clothes.

Hidan snorted. "That's a lousy excuse for trying to feel him up."

Tobi froze, and then retreated. "Ew ew ew!"

Goku looked rumpled and dismayed. "What? Gross!" He glared at Hidan. "What kind of sick pervert are you?"

"Hey, I wasn't the homo feeling you up! He was, he was!"

Tobi wrung his hands. "Tobi is so sorry! And Tobi is not homo, but Tobi has nothing against them at all, Hidan-sempai! Tobi likes homos!" There was a long pause as they stared at Tobi in disbelief. "But – but not in _that_ way. Ew."

"Keep digging," Hidan muttered as he started towards the river. Tobi scrambled behind to pack up their camp while Goku hurried after, loudly chattering his plans and ideas of rescuing his companions. _Probably left you the hell behind,_ Hidan thought uncharitably.

What a dirty, rotten stunt. Just for that, he ought to stick them with Tobi.

Goku decided that Tobi ought to know what his companions looked like, so by the time they reached the river shoreline Hidan knew that Goku traveled with the likes of a chain-smoking, perverted water roach who ate all of Goku's meat buns and had red eyes, but they aren't as weird as that Itachi's; really nice Hakkai who was really scary when he got mad but usually didn't and he was quiet and Hakuryu usually stayed with him; and Sanzo, who was often cranky and impatient and also chain-smoked, and really, really, _really_ hated water.

"I'll look upstream. You two can look downstream," Hidan commanded. The sooner he was separated from Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, the sooner he could find a nice village to convert. Then he and his newly-acquired minions could go yonder to convert more people while he led at the head, and they could slaughter the heathens if need be. Blood would run in the streets, smearing faces and baptizing-

Hakuryu nipped his ear. "Shit!"

Hidan snatched Hakuryu off his shoulder and shook him. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't smash your head in."

Hakuryu's eyes grew large and shiny, and a peculiar notion flip-flopped in Hidan's stomach. It was… It was… Hakuryu mewled like a cat.

_Awwww_._Cute_.

Hidan jabbed himself in the eyeball. "Gah! Son of a _bitch_!" He didn't give a flying fuck about cute. He was a Jashinist – cute was decapitated fluffy bunnies. (But not like Dr. Nii's. No, that was disturbing. That was more than disturbing. Even most heathens had the sense not to be so fucking immoral.) Cute was watching his victims die from the wounds he inflicted upon himself. Cute was…. cute was….

"Shit, stop looking at me like that!" Hidan dropped Hakuryu. "Whatever, just don't get in my way like Dumb and Dumber." Hakuryu perched on his shoulder, needle-sharp claws digging firmly into his flesh as Hidan jumped from rock to rock. They steadily made their way upstream as the skies became overcast. The river became choppier, soon giving way to rapids the closer they approached the waterfalls, and the rapids gave off a fine mist that soon had him drenched and miserable from chaffing underwear.

He sensed someone on the opposite side of the river just as the waterfalls came into sight. He perched upon a rock and observed the presence for a moment. Hakuryu dug his claws further into his shoulder, and Hidan welcomed the small rush of pain, mentally offering it to his god, since he couldn't offer the head of the presence itself.

Hakuyru launched himself from Hidan's shoulder with a merry squeal and fluttered across the rapids into the bushes. Hidan perched himself on a boulder that was just within the rapids and crouched low to watch Hakuryu dive-bomb the bushes, then flutter back out. The dragon was coaxing something out of the cover, slowly but surely.

He watched as the person slowly approached the rapids, then held his hand up in friendly greeting lest he be shot again. (Motherfucker, that _hurt_. And it had taken too long to dig the lump of lead from his head while Kisame watched in morbid awe and Deidara made such comments as, "Oh. You actually _do_ possess a brain. But apparently you don't need it _that_ badly if you can just strew chunks of it everywhere.") "Yo. You must be the cranky, water-hating Sanzo." Although cranky probably wasn't the right description. _Pissed off_ was a good description. So was _soggy and miserable._

"You keep pointing that monstrosity at me and I'll fucking take it away and jam it so far up your ass you can pry it free from your nostrils."

Sanzo didn't even blink. "What do you want?"

"Hey, someone's actually asking _me_ what I want! Fucking halleluiah, praise Lord Jashin and pass the booze! My companion already fucking swindled me into helping your little non-jinchurriki."

"He's not a –" Sanzo fell silent for a moment. The grip upon his gun seemed to tighten. "What did you do to Goku?"

Hidan snorted disdainfully. "We fed him."

There was a long pause as Hakuryu fluttered between them. "That's a daunting task," Sanzo said finally.

"No shit. I've never seen anyone wolf down fourteen fish and then ask for dessert. Don't you fuckers _feed_ the kid?"

Sanzo lowered his weapon and then dug his cigarettes out of his robes; he looked disgusted to find them as soggy as himself. He managed to wring some water from a pathetic-looking cigarette before raising it to his lips. "Goku is different." He regarded Hidan with indifferent hostility – and that, Hidan realized, right there, required sheer and utter talent.

Ever so grudgingly, a modicum of respect was born.

"Where is the monkey?"

Hidan considered that for a moment. Goku didn't really strike him to be monkey-like, but then he didn't know too many monkeys, and he _really_ didn't want to know enough about Goku to draw that conclusion. "He went downstream with Tobi. They're looking for you guys. I went upstream, and woop-de-fucking-do, I find you."

Sanzo sneered around his cigarette. "Must be your lucky day."

"Jashin-sama has blessed me," Hidan said humbly. Sanzo nearly choked on his cigarette. "So now we head back."

Sanzo took a step back. "Fine." Hidan watched him carefully and slowly pick his way through the tangled forest, carefully keeping the rapids in view but still staying distant.

"That'll take fucking forever."

Sanzo's back was rigid. Hidan jumped to a boulder further downstream, this one submerged just under the water. He applied chakra to his feet and hands to safely cling to the rock and regarded Sanzo, who was quick on covering his own surprise. "I'm not waiting all day for you."

The look Sanzo gave him would have made the hair on the back of _Itachi's_ neck stand on end.

Ah hah! This was going to be amusing.

Hidan smiled viciously. "What a pansy." Then he leapt into the bushes.

"Motherfucking heathen, that _hurt_!"

"Drop me!"

"Head-first in the rapids? Hell yeah – _no_, damn it, I've got fucking rules – fuck you too, you flying rat! That does it- gimme that thing!"

oOoOoOoOo

Tobi and Goku both looked up at the same time.

"I think I heard screams," Goku began nervously.

Tobi sympathetically patted Goku's arms. "I'm sure it wasn't anything serious. Well, too serious." His voice was unusually deep, but Goku didn't seem to notice. "Not _life_-threatening, in any case. For Hidan-sempai, at least." The pats became caresses. "And I'm sure that your friend will arrive, relatively intact."

Goku finally looked at Tobi when he sensed something amiss, but Tobi had withdrawn his hand and was cheerfully chasing a squirrel.


	6. Chapter 6

Goku and his cranky caretaker were reunited with the two wayward companions of theirs in a little resort town that set itself up on the beach of the lake the river emptied into. Hidan decided it was a perfectly good place to dig out those infernal contraptions called bullets from his body, and to find a good, hearty steak. He didn't even need to get shot to bugger off. (He did leave them behind with a spectacularly smoky jutsu, just to piss off Sanzo.)

"Ultra-rare," he firmly told Tobi as he shamelessly stripped in their hotel room. "Here." He gave Tobi the gold credit card he had swiped off the cranky caretaker – while he had issues killing other members of religion, whether false or otherwise, there were no rules against stealing someone else's property. And after nearly losing his hand six more times before when it accidentally strayed too close between the non-jinchurriki's mouth and food, Hidan felt he clearly deserved – nay, he was _owed_ some fucking restitution. 

Tobi gasped. "Hidan-sempai, this is not ours!"

"Finders fucking keepers." Hidan didn't think it was necessary to mention how he had found it in Sanzo's pocket. Lifting something from someone's personal being was just a matter of stealth and skill; shit, he was a ninja! What more could anyone expect? 

"Tobi will return it to the Sanzo-party right now!"

"And what? Pay for the room and the grub by selling fucking, poofy _Avon_?" Hidan openly relished the full-body shudder of horror that wracked Tobi. 

"Er." Tobi seemed to study the credit card for a long moment. "We can always give it back tomorrow." 

"You're starting to wise up, kid. Stick with me, and you'll be ready to slaughter the whole fucking world." 

Tobi perked up. "Really, senpai? Just like _you_?" 

Hidan thought he sensed just a touch of sarcasm in Tobi's voice, but dismissed it as he peeled himself out of his underwear. Damn; what was he thinking when he decided to wear it? Oh yeah, something about hygiene… "Get going. I want some fucking protein when you get back." He grabbed up his arsenal of supplies and marched into the bathroom. 

He settled his arsenal on the sink – tweezers, shampoo, a luffa, moisturizing body wash for extra-sensitive skin, gauze and bandages. He eyed the shampoo, since it looked suspiciously like that flowery shit that Itachi was always using, and then decided he didn't give a flying fuck at the moment. Between Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb, Hidan needed to wash the stupid from his body just in case it was contagious. 

OOoOoOoOo

Hidan stared at his bed at the shower water dripped from his hair. His cloak and dark trousers that he had carelessly let lie on the floor had not only picked up and folded themselves on his bed, but also mysteriously disguised themselves in loud, garish, blindingly bright colors.

Who knew that his cloak could somehow managed to _henge_ itself into a tropical vacation shirt, complete with bananas, tropical leaves, cancan birds, and big pink blossoms? And good Jashin, what the fuck happened to his pants? The whole plot smelled nefariously like Dr. Nii, he was positive of it.

"This is so gay," he muttered as he poked the pile of clothes for any hidden death traps. What next – ambush by a sombrero and a large pair of sunglasses that went out of style thirty years ago, along with bell-bottoms and tie-dyes? 

A sudden sense of power filled him. _Wear them._

Oh no. Oh fuck no. 

A man had his breaking points, and this was the camel that broke his straw back. Hidan could grit his teeth and chafe under the no-killing stipulation; he would do the damn yoga poses, but this? But there could be no disrespect to his god – quick, excuses! Excuses! "But think of how it would look, a messenger from the gods dressed up like a fucking cabana boy?" 

OOoOoOoOo

"He has a point," Jashin told Kanzeon Bosatsu as he pointed at the image of Hidan in the water, who was currently looking quite horrified at his brand-new wardrobe. 

The Kanzeon Bosatsu arched an elegant eyebrow. "_I_ would join a cult if it was run by a handsome, half-naked cabana boy."

Jashin hid his shudder by leaning against the handle of his mop. 

OOoOoOoOo

"Oh for-!" Hidan gritted his teeth, and then relaxed as Jashin's dogma unfurled itself in his mind, a new piece of scripture revealing itself to the hungry scholar's mind that Hidan carefully kept stashed away in a metaphorical trashcan so no one could suspect. 

_Look on the bright side, the pain of the body pales in comparison to the pain of wounded dignity. _

Despite the fact that Hidan knew there were many different ways to inflict excruciating pain upon people and make that pain linger endlessly and unchangingly for days without allowing for the blessed release of death (not that he knew how to employ most of those, other than labeling Tobi as such an infliction) – it was still a startling revelation. So many obstacles were instantly cleared, a new path suddenly illuminated within his life. 

He could kill dignity left and right without spilling blood! 

Hah, watch out world, here comes the mighty Evangelist Hidan in a gay tropical shirt! 

OooOoOoOo

Jashin coughed into his fist. "Now I'm worried." 

Kanzeon Bosatsu smiled in amusement and leaned closer to watch Hidan change, slick back his hair with gel, and then set forth to a copy shop to make pamphlets. "You sure know how to pick them." 


	7. Chapter 7

NOTES: Okay, so this chapter probably wasn't worth the wait of a year and a half, but it was painful to research for. Seriously - who ever thought there were so many bad pick-up lines out there? (Mind you, no one has ever tried any on me before.)

oOoOoOo

"Hey, miss?" Gojyo smiled largely and leaned forward, his forearms resting against the top of the bar. "Do you have a map? 'Cause I'm getting lost in your eyes."

The woman, after choking on her beer, swiftly departed to the other side of the room. She and another girlfriend pointed angry fingers at him and whispered together furiously.

Gojyo sighed and pouted. Then he immediately turned to his other side. A smile transformed his face as he leaned toward the other woman. "If I followed you home, could I keep you?"

The woman quaked her eyebrow incredulously at him before she turned to the bartender and asked him to stop putting psychedelics in her drinks and psychos on the barstool next to her. Then she slipped off her stool and swaggered out of the bar. Gojyo turned back to his own drink in a sulk.

The bartender looked at him in exasperation. "That's the fourteenth customer of mine that you've scared off. Mind knocking it off?"

"I'm bound to get successful here, sooner or later. The laws of statistics are on my side!" Gojyo beat a fist against the bartop once in emphasis. He heard someone take a seat on the barstool next to him, and he immediately turned to face her. She was a stunning redhead with an amazing pair of… erm, eyes. "I must be a snowflake, because I have fallen for you!"

She eyed him, but didn't move from the stool. "Well, aren't _you_ a special one," she muttered, flipping one lock of hair over her very-nicely shaped shoulder. Gojyo leaned closer.

"You smell so nice," he said, taking a deep breath. "Why, I bet the name of your perfume is 'Catch of the day'!"

"Look, just stop right now, before I start crying at this pathetic travesty of flirtation." She wagged one long, nicely shaped finger at Gojyo face. He wondered how she would react if he were to lightly nibble the tip of it. "I didn't here to pick up some schmoozing lout using pick up lines that karma demands he ought to be mauled by a rabid goose for ever uttering to a human being, male or female, regardless of age."

"Hey, cutie!" Someone – a rival, snarled the primitive part of Gojyo's brain (and somewhere in town, Sanzo's Meter-o-Irony starting pinging like mad) – appeared rather suddenly on the woman's other side and slid an arm around her shapely shoulders. Gojyo briefly wondered if the woman would mind him accidentally splattering her with the blood of his rival. "Have I got a fucking awesome opportunity for you today!" A glossy pamphlet was suddenly waving in the air right before her. Gojyo caught a glimpse of his rival's eye-watering attire, and suddenly felt a lot calmer.

A fine woman of such beautiful and exquisite tastes was in no danger of being lured away by this walking fashion disaster. Although something was strangely familiar about him, even with the gigantic glasses.

"This is a once in a life-time offer I am making you, seriously!" the man said, laying the pamphlet on the bartop in front of them. Gojyo glanced at it out of curiosity, and then mentally recoiled at the graphic display of badly drawn stick figures inflicting horrible acts of violence upon each other. "My name is Hidan-"

oh, wait – you've had to be kidding! This eyesore was that foul-mouthed immortal evangelist who had gone on and on and on about Jashin this and Jashin that, even after being shot twice by Sanzo?

"-and I would love to preserve your fucking awesome beauty today by offering you the chance to become immortal, like me!" And then Hidan smiled at the woman, although it looked more like a rather slick shark barring its teeth at it's latest victim.

The woman flicked a shapely fingernail at the glossy pamphlet, looking bored. "Ugh. No, thank you. An eternity of being stuck with the likes of you would be hell."

Hidan looked very serious as he shook his head. "No, no. Hell is this cesspit of boiling pus and shit that you don't fucking want to-"

"Hey, hey, watch your language," Gojyo said, reaching around to push the pamphlet back to Hidan. "There's a lady present, in case you forgot, and she's not interested in joining your freakish cult. And I was here first, buddy."

Hidan leaned back to glare at Gojyo. "I didn't ask for your hateful, religious-discriminating opinion, you cockroach fucker."

The woman glanced down at Gojyo's hips, and then coughed, clearly trying to hold back amused laughter.

"Them's fighting words," Gojyo whispered, his voice hinted towards violence.

The woman waved her hands at both of them. "Please, boys, neither of you have anything at all that interests me."

That was when a figure with far too many straps and buckles on his clothes suddenly popped up in front of the woman. "Hey!" said Tobi brightly, presenting the woman with a half-wilted daisy he filched from some old woman's unsuspecting flower pot. "Let's make like fabric softer and snuggle!" His bright orange mask seem to beam in delight. He must have recently polished it before venturing forth, looking for romance.

The woman accepted the flower. "Cute, enthusiastic, goofy." She glanced sideways at Gojyo and Hidan. "I like that. Sure!" And with that, she linked her arm with Tobi's and they left the bar.

Hidan and Gojyo stared after them for a moment before they simultaneously turned back to their drinks and sulked with twin expressions. The bartender glanced from one to another, and then sighed and moved downstream to serve another customer.

"You fucking suck," Hidan told Gojyo.

"Not likely. You're a little too masculine for my tastes," Gojyo replied darkly. That was when the killing intent washed over him.

oOoOoOo

Sanzo was minding his own business when he heard the explosion across town. He considered this a moment as he looked up from reading his paper, the cigarette trailing ash from his lips. Had it been his Sense of Danger tingling before? He thought a moment - realized the explosion was coming from the drinking district, and then turned his attention back to Dear Abby. No, no - it had been his Meter-o-Irony.

Nothing wrong here, folks. Nothing wrong at all.


End file.
